Dating

I probably shouldn't be writing this on the off chance that my boyfriend (still have trouble using that word) will see it. But, well, I'm trying to write every day (ha) and Jane Espenson has just initiated a writing sprint on Twitter and I always like to take her up on it. And so here we go.

(Could I use the word "and" more?)

I haven't really been dating in the past few years. Well, I don't know. Maybe. Kind of. Not much. It always ends up disastrously and said disasters tend to happen pretty quickly anyway. I just had a disaster last December. Maybe that disaster has something to do with my current mentality. Let me explain. I tend to get very attached very quickly. This happened last fall with a guy we'll call "Tim". (Actually, his name is Tim but it's generic enough that I'm keeping it.) We clicked immediately. We met online (OkCupid is the new black etc. etc.) and had a conversation that lasted for 12 hours or so. Most of it online, but the last 3 hours were on the phone. It was brilliant. You know what I mean. When you first meet someone and you just click instantly and you tell yourself "I've never met anyone who got me so fast..." That's all good and well but at present I am clear headed enough to remember that this has happened to me easily a handful of times. But it always seems so fresh and so new and so improbable at first... Ahhh, young lust. Tim and I had our first real date a few days later and it was predictably great. I didn't mind that he wasn't 5'8" as his online profile indicated (he was as tall as I am and thankfully I had the presence of mind to wear flats, just in case) nor did I mind that his voice was oddly high-pitched (which really should have been a deal breaker: no one likes shrill guys). Nope, I was infatuated because we liked the same movies and same pop culture references and I knew he thought I was pretty and I felt secure because I saw myself as clearly out of his league. It was bliss, really. Four weeks later, he dumped me over GChat ("kind of like firing someone over the internet"). The reasons for this are irrelevant (and really personal) so I won't get into it. All I'll say is I was crushed.

I don't know why this happens, but almost every time I have a one night stand or a really good first date, the guy never wants to leave. I'm not trying to toot my own horn, it is just true. They hang around for the entire next day, only leaving when they have to. Really, this has happened to me at least a half dozen times. Somehow, I'm the one night stand guys want to date. I am also the one night stand guys date and then dump just a few weeks later. This has predictably screwed me up a little bit. Because the men I bed seem to get attached to me so fast, I return the feeling. But here's the million dollar question: Why? With respect to all the guys on my "list", I have to say not all of them are winners. I've recently begun wondering why I let myself get attached to guys who are mediocre at best. When I was younger, I was always the one who dumped her boyfriends. It was probably a power or control thing. I never wanted to be the one who was left. As I've gotten older, I seem to have changed tactics. Nowadays, I let myself get dumped. I hang on as long as I possibly can, somehow always hopeful that things can change for the better. Now this part I haven't really figured out. Am I really that lonely? Do I crave human attention that much? Perhaps. But the good part is I have started asking myself "Why?".

I like my boyfriend. I do. But I'm not sure I'm crazy about him. I feel I've been keeping as distant as I possibly can. I'm not letting myself get attached this time, but the new question is "At what price?" Not EVERY guy I'll date will be mediocre and disappointing, but I am afraid I've started to assume this. At the same time, I still feel like the possessive/paranoid girlfriend many of us tend to become against our will. For instance, I hate how much he talks about all the celebrities he'd have sex with. I hate that I'm out of the country and that he's going out without me. And most of all, I hate myself for feeling that way. It feels like I'm in default girlfriend mode, I'm not sure these are even my real feelings. And will I break up with him if he mentions one more time how hot Olivia Munn is? Will I find any excuse to dump him just so I don't get hurt again? I don't trust myself or my emotions. I'm all over the place. Nothing I've written in this paragraph is justified because the truth is he has yet to disappoint me.

These are my rambling thoughts of the evening. Not sure any of them made sense, but I did remember something important: even though Tim is a complete dick, I will forever be thankful to him for having me ask myself the question "Why do I give a shit?"